I watched a loved one be laid to rest. I watched my parents grieve. for once, I genuinely did not think of myself while I was thinking of another person. my conceit caused from years of introspection was shattered in a place halfway around the world, a place I was just at today.

maybe it wasn’t the most tact way,

but for the first time, it’s done with. I feel like a little kid trying to learn things that are handled every day. as much as I tell myself I’m a grown man, I’m not. but all I can do is try. better than thinking. anything is better than just thinking.

one day I’ll get there. one day I’ll learn the perfect time and place to say what I need to say, and I’ll learn to say enough. but I can’t be afraid because I’m learning. every step I take has to be in fulfillment of my goals, but I have to clear my view.

it’s like I have taken a breath of fresh air, the weight of doubt lifted from my lungs. I can breathe that much easier, knowing I cannot be afraid of something I’ve done before.

I can stop being that stupid little kid who thought he was the shit because he looked in the mirror and convinced himself he was. it’s about me, in my own skin, not looking at the mirror, but at the hands and mouth that define who I am. for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m in the first person again. I’m no longer a little security camera looking down at me, wondering if any developments would come my way that would disturb what looked to be an increasingly deleterious world view.

I’m not sure if this is redundant, but after jetlag I was suddenly thrown back into America, where none of these feelings were before. tonight I made sure I was adequately influenced to consider what I decided for myself in Korea, and made sure it wasn’t just a religious, guilt-ridden prescription codeine high. I spoke what I said, and I felt… like I had finally done something. it’s such a strange, humanizing feeling. I think people call it moral responsibility. my grandfather had a lot of that.

I’m back, I have a lot to do. I can’t lull in the surreal environment I just emerged from. I have to get back to work, with the perspective of a necessary and humanizing experience.